TRUMP TELLS PENCE "NOT ENOUGH TRUMP MENTIONS"

PEN--  I'm here Mr President.
TMP-- Have you been counting my name mentions like we discussed.
PEN-- Absoulutely, sir. When we were with Birx and Fauci last time I spoke 358 words
           and squeezed in your name 79 times... roughly 21 percent.
TMP-- Let's get it up to 25 percent... make it 30!
PEN-- It will be hard sir, to construct a sentence if every 3rd word is President Trump.
TMP-- Piece of cake--- do one for me off the cuff... go on...lemme hear it.
PEN-- We have to thank President Trump because it was President Trump and only
           President Trump who walked into my office, which President Trump rarely does, and
I said, oh, Mr. President, how I can help Mr. President? And President Trump responded just like President Trump always does and then President Trump said, Mike... and I said, yes Mr President
and he said Mike.... and I said, right here Mr. President and he said, nice tie, and I said thanks Mr
President because your ties Mr President are, well Trump ties are beautiful and speaking of Trump ties, let's thank President Trump because who else but President Trump could form the amazing ties we have with China aside from President Trump and I tell Presient Trump every day, I say Mr. President, China respects the words President Trump because when they hear President Trump said this or President Trump suggests or President Trump wants-- well China gets it and understands that
President Trump means what President Trump says and that's what makes him President Trump.
TMP-- Not a bad start.
            

DYING, ONE COUNTY AFTER ANOTHER

TMP- Who the hell are you? Where's my doctor?
JOE-   I'm Joe and I'm replacing your doctor.
TMP- I'll bet that putz has the virus.
JOE-  You fired him Mr. President. You said science was total cow dung.
TMP- Right, right...he was a mouthy jerk... putz didn't trust me. What kind of doc are you?
JOE-  Oh, I'm not a doctor. No, no, I'm a cartographer.
TMP- Beautiful. Get me some real nice shots of all my golf carts...and get close-ups of my logo.
JOE-  Sir, a cartographer is a map maker. I draw maps of this country.
TMP- I have maps of all my fabulous golf courses. Beautiful courses. Best ever.  Why are you here?
JOE-  I know you like games. How bout we play a game?
TMP- I love games...as long as I win. Got it!!
JOE-  Yes sir, I got it. So let's begin.
TMP- Wait a second. Where's the ball, the puck, my golf cart...What are we doing here?
JOE-   I have these 10 long strings.
TMP-  10 strings? You need a hundred... you're a major Yo-Yo.
JOE-    Now, I place them all around and each represents a county...  you can't come into my county                and I can't come into yours, without permission or-- you lose the game!
TMP-  Whatta dumb game.Why would I want to come into your county? I'll just stay in my county---          which is hands down the best county ever,,, and you go wherever you want.
JOE-   You did it. You just said it!! Now, imagine you're the Corona Virus. Where do you go?
TMP-  Well, first I put on my red tie and then I go wherever I want!!
JOE-   Precisely! You are the Corona Virus and you don't stay in your county. You go                               WHEREVER YOU WANT and you cross county lines and state lines and country borders                   and spread your toxins like wildfire.
TMP- I get it. You're another science whacko. You want me to Lock Down and kill the economy.
JOE-   I am a simple map maker. And if I understand how flawed and dangerous this County idea is,
           why doesn't the President of this country... or maybe you don't care?  Time for me to go.
TMP- Hey...remember the rules..I win the game, right?!!
JOE-  God help us if you do.

PEOPLE WHO PACK CHURCH PEWS ON EASTER WON'T BE RESURRECTED

DOC- How are you feeling Mr. President?
TMP- Beautiful. The Market is flying higher and if we get people to follow my brilliant plan for
          Easter and fill those church pews my reelection is in the bag. Fantastic right?
DOC- Respectfully, I don't agree.
TMP- WHAT?? What the hell is your problem?
DOC- I think if you pack the church pews on Easter the only thing that's gonna be in the bag are
          bodies-- as in Body Bags. Listen to Fauci and the other scientists and keep up with social                    distancing and isolation.  Pack the churches and the death toll will spike like a shot.
TMP- First of all, the people who die are gonna be old farts who are on the verge of going bye-bye
          anyway. And whatever you think, I KNOW science is a pile of cow dung. And you don't
          understand my reason for picking Easter Sunday.  It's pure genius. How bout I tell you how                  I arrived at Easter.
DOC- I already know. I understand you. I know the way you think.
TMP-- You should be doing stand-up comedy.  Nobody is smart enough to know how I think.
DOC- Why Easter?  Simple-- Resurrection. I'll bet Jared brought you this. Prey on what most                         catholics take as the most emotional day of the the year. Fill the country's churches with
           people. If they die they die-- what's a life worth. Not much according to you, not much.
TMP- You're done Doc...Get out.
DOC- My pleasure.  You think you're going to rescue the economy and then draw a parallel between
          THE RESURRECTION and your resurrecting the economy. But the millions who died will
          if you'll pardon the pun, trump the gains in your precious stock market. You will live a long
         long time, Mr. President --- in people's nightmares.
         

Fauci Makes Trump Grouchy

TMP--  That little Fauci is really starting to piss me off. He contradicts everything I say.
             I say the Malaria drug will work and he says we don't know that because it only worked on                 one Italian guy named petridish.
DOC--  Fauci knows his stuff...the guy is really really smart.
TMP--  Not really....if he was really smart he would have invented Pizza. I think it's time to get
             him off the air... send him packing...maybe to Italy.
 DOC-- People will want to hear from him. He comforts them.
 TMP-- I comfort them. He scares them. Gives them every little fact, every little possibility. I think
             I'll say I want him to check onThe Pope. The Catholics will love that. My approval rating
             could go up 5 points.
DOC-- You could make things worse for yourself. I hear Bezos is buying out a network and he's
            going to get Fauci to talk about the virus from 6AM til midnight. Gonna call it, and this
            is just brilliant---CORONATION.
TMP-- WHAT!!! Tell me that's not true. Tell me it's just a rumor. I was just about to announce an end              to the quarantine. Get people outta the house living again. The Market needs that bad!!!
DOC-- Fauci thinks that will make things much worse---spread the virus even faster. So it seems
            you have a choice. Raise the Market numbers or raise the virus numbers.
TMP--  Holy crap. That's a tough one isn't it?
DOC-- Not really.

Trump Shouts, "Not My Fault!"

DOC-- Mr. President, your blood pressure is quite high.
TMP--  I'm pissed... that federal judge says I can't eliminate the Food Stamps Program.
DOC-- Well, eliminating food stamps could have some really bad consequences.
TMP--  Really...like what?
DOC--  700,000 people could starve.
TMP--  Numbers shnumbers...just tell me the bad consequences.
              I wonder how they taste.
DOC -- How what tastes?
TMP-- The food stamps, putz. They can't be as good as a Whopper. But a lot of people are eating                    them so they must be good.  I gotta taste them.
DOC-- Mr. President these are stamps...stamps!
TMP--  Jesus, did you really go to medical school... they're FOOD stamps...ever hear of food?
DOC-- They have zero nutritional value...zip, zilch, zero.
TMP--  Just like a Whopper. Hand me the phone.
Chef--  How can I help Mr President?
TMP-- Send me up 9 dozen food stamps...3 pork, 3 beef and 3 shrimp.
Chef-- Not sure I heard you, Mr President. Sounded like you said you want 9 dozen food stamps.
TMP-- You got it.... don't forget the ketchup and relish, and lots of hot sauce.
DOC-- Mr President, the 700,000 people getting food stamps don't eat them.
TMP-- That's why they look like scarecrows.... not my fault, right?
DOC-- Nothing is your fault.
TMP-- Hey...maybe I replace MAGA with Not My Fault. I can hear the chant... 15,000
           chanting Not Your Fault...holy shit I really love it. It's perfect for the bullshit blame
           they are throwing at me every day for that fuckin' virus. Picture me out there in front
           of the Trumpers.... I shout- THEY HAD NO VENTILATORS and the crowd shouts back-
           NOT YOUR FAULT.... I shout- THEY HAD NO MASKS and they shout back-
           NOT YOUR FAULT.... and I keep going through all the stuff the doctors and nurses didn't get
           and the crowd keeps shouting-- NOT YOUR FAULT, and finally I shout loud as hell--
          8 MILLION DEAD and they scream like wild banshees and just keep screaming . . .
          NOT YOUR FAULT....NOT YOUR FAULT. Can you imagine it??
DOC-- I really and truly wish I could, but, it's simply unimaginable.


         

Drawing Dogs (from 2016)

       

               










 

TRUMP GETS RESULTS OF VIRUS TEST FROM HIS DOCTOR

DOC-- Mr President your test results are back
TMP-- Putz, I never  took the test...we just told everyone I did
DOC -- Actually, you did take the test. Pence thought it was important. So we swabbed your nose and throat when you were asleep.
TMP -- Fucking traitor. He's done.
DOC -- Mr. President, the test came back positive.
TMP -- I think what you mean is, you're postive the test came back negative.
DOC -- No, the test was positive.
TMP -- Dr. Dope, listen to me. I'm never wrong. I'm TRUMP. Remember when you said I was the healthiest seventy-year-old on the planet?
DOC -- Yes, you threatened to send me to Guantanemo.
TMP -- Okay, we have to make a small change.
DOC -- It's too serious. I'm not going to lie.
TMP -- It's not a LIE. It's like a game.
DOC -- What??
TMP -- Positive is eight letters. And, so is Negative. So, it's like a word game.
You just take out P-O-S-I and swap in N-E-G-A. I didn't know Positive and Negative were both eight letters. Ivanka told me.
DOC -- You're asking a doctor to lie.
TMP -- I never ask. I'm TRUMP.
DOC -- So, I'm going to be telling the world your test was . . .
TMP -- BEAUTIFUL. It was a BEAUTIFUL test,  BEAUTIFUL results. Perfect.
DOC -- You could pass this on. You belong in quarantine. I'm standing here talking to you in a Hazmat suit. Thousands of people could be infected, all coming from you.
TMP -- Only two numbers matter. The Stock Market and my golf score. Tell them to set up a meeting with Pelosi this morning.
DOC -- You could give her the virus.
TMP -- Breaks my heart.