THE VATACAN'T

When I think about it, I really can't blame them.
Living in the 12th century leaves a lot of gaps in your day.  Menzio, the court artist
has now painted 1832 pictures of Helen of Troy, the last 1829 topless as requested.
A face that could launch a thousand ships and a body that could stiffen a thousand dicks
is an obsession that has, after 113,756 viewings, lost its' launching ability. This was
apparent to all when Menzio lost his cool and could be heard yelling at Cardinal Vorsleden,
"I can't make her nipples bigger than her head."
Let's see... we have enough recipes for porridge,
we're pressing on with our HOW TO SPOT A JEW manuscript,  and we're moving ahead
with
an advanced torture device.  The Gospel of Mark has a bit too much humanity in it.
We could declare him a heretic and go with 3 Gospels, but Marky Mark has a lot fans.
Cardinal Martinez from the East Bronx has an idea that's worth hearing...  "let's cut back
the number of miracles needed for Sainthood. I say we go with NO MIRACLES. The
Supremes were much better anyway."  This idea is quickly shot down when Cardinal
Sparrow exclaims, "you Puerto Rican ninny... that means everyone could be a Saint.
It makes no sense." Martinez, highly esteemed for his ability to quickly conjure and
articulate a reasonable argument for anything responds, " nothing we do in this place
makes fucking sense and next time you talk down to me I'll Cut You." Well said, Martinez.

(The Holy Father enters the chamber. Heads are bowed. Silence beyond silence.)

HF:  We have sworn an oath and dedicated our lives to eradicating joy. To that end,
         I have decided to excommunicate any who engage in inter-marriage. Black and white
         is still A-OKAY for police cars, checkers, milkshakes and cookies sold in Brooklyn.
         I am also giving serious thought to condemning Thick-Cut-No-Nitrate-Bacon.
         Sales are way which means people are digging this shit.  Let us pray.


WHAT JESUS WOULD SAY----
You can't go where I go. You don't know what I know.
You don't see what I see. Do not think you are me.
When you designate blame you cloak me in shame.
If anguish is your goal then cease to speak my name.
Til you turn water into wine, until you heal the sick and blind
Do NOT paint yourself divine if it's me you hope to find.
You don't see what I see. Do not think you are me.

THINGS NOBODY KNOWS

BULLYING--YOUR WORDS AND WISHES. YOURS, NOT CHRIST'S.

FROM CHRISTIANANSWERS.NET

The world again has a man in the position of “Vicar of Christ,” so it is biblically imperative to examine the true office of the Vicar of Christ. The Lord Jesus Christ entrusted the universal care of souls into the safekeeping of the Divine Person of the Holy Spirit. Concerning this Third Person of the Trinity who was to be His substitute, the Lord promised that,“when he is come, he will reprove the world of sin, and of righteousness, and of judgment” (John 16:8). The Holy Spirit convicts of sin as He makes the sinner realize his lost condition and convicts him of his need of Christ's righteousness. He it is who brings a soul dead in sin to life. Time for me to  jump in.  As a 16 year old, the person I looked up to above all others was Thomas Conlon. Three years my senior, Tom commanded your respect with a gentle smile and an aura of kindness that sapped the rage from our hardcore neighborhood sociopaths, if only for 5 minutes. Tom, his father Mike and his mom Mary lived in the same building as my family, and their door was always open to me. I visited often, sometimes just to hear Mike say, Jeffrey, lad, don't count your Macfinleys before they hatch. Naturally, I never did, at least I don't think I did. A year later Tom became Father Tom. An unforgettable moment for anyone who knew the Conlon Family. First time I saw him in Black and White, the tears ran down my face. Two years later those tears formed a lake in my heart when word came that Father Tom had been killed during a missionary trip to Africa. I tell that story so you know where I stand when I say all that follows. Devout followers of the Catholic Religion who choose to regard the Pope as the Vicar of Christ don't need my permission or anyone else's. But if you regard the Vatican's Highest Ranking Holy Man as a SUBSTITUTE for Christ, you elevate him to a position no flesh and blood person merits while diminishing Jesus Christ. My imagination is immensely fertile, but on my best day I could not imagine Jesus travelling the world, offering  words of sorrow and remorse for the sick and sickening behavior of more depraved priests than there are sheep in New Zealand  while offering Cardinal Law Leona Helmsley comfort in the form of 6 room apartment in the Vatican attended by servants along with the peace of mind in knowing he was not subject to extradition from any country in the world. I prefer to think Jesus would have handled this with heavenly insight and all the justice in his heart. There is a story in the Gospel of Mark. Picking up in the middle it reads... taking the child in his arms, he said...whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me. And whoever welcomes me welcomes not me, but the one who sent me.        (see firedoglake.com)  The perfect lead-in to The Pro-Bullying Legislation Very Thinly Disguised as  Anti-Bullying Legislation AKA The Jesus Never Said It But He Would Have If He Could Have Legislation.  Unanimously supported by both declared and undeclared sadists who strongly believe their interpretation of an Omniscient God represents badly needed oversight in those cases  where Jesus blew it. Let's look at potential situations that fall into one of two possibilities-- BULLYING ACCEPTABLE   BA                       BULLYING NOT ACCEPTABLE   BNA  Dan says:  Jesus' sandals were old and dirty.   Dan's pelvis is crushed by bullies.  JUDGE: "This is mocking our Lord"   so it's BA Dan says: Jesus' sandals were unbuckled.    Dan's jaw is broken in 3 parts. JUDGE: "Republicans should know his sandals had no buckles."   Even so, BA !! Joe says: (Dan can't talk) Jesus hated The Last Supper.  DAN'S legs are snapped. NOTE- The Judge is about to say BA when Prosecution says, "Approach please" The judge signals both lawyers to approach bench. JUDGE:  (to Pros) "This is just more mockery." PROS:  Not really your honor. The 4 Gospels are in agreement on only 25% of their writings. But they all agree Jesus hated his lamb served cold. JUDGE: The lamb was cold? PROS: It was nippy that night. The lamb could have been 45 degrees. DEF:  Let's get real. The pita was toasted so what's the difference? JUDGE:  The defense makes a strong point. PROS: Not really your honor. Jesus loved the way Mary's cousin Adele made lamb.   DEF: I never heard of Adele. JUDGE: Me neither. PROS: Well... you guys were never invited to dinner. JUDGE: True enough. So how did this Adele babe cook it? PROS:  On a very large very hot flat stone. She seared the lamb then put leeks on top, and TOPPED THAT with a mixture of prunes, apricots and her secret ingredient that's really tasty and opens the arteries. JUDGE: You're kidding... what was it? DEF: I must object! JUDGE: You shut your pie hole. I have an aortic aneurysm. (To Pros) What was it? PROS:  CINNAMON!  JUDGE: Damn... I love that shit. I want a copy of that recipe. I could live another year. DEF: OBJECTION !!  Come on Judge...you were this close to saying BA. We're not talkin' about The Last Lunch... this was Our Lord's JUDGE: Did you just say LAST LUNCH?  It don't really bother you at all that Jesus ate cold lamb and missed out on his beloved leeks apricots and prunes. Probably messed up his evening bowel movement, too.  (To Cops) Lamar, you and Titus, pick up the 4 bullies down at the school. LAMAR: I could drop off our friend here and mention that Last Lunch comment? JUDGE: No. Get him home safe. That's what Jesus would do. In Memory of Father Tom Conlon .

RANTS AND RAVES SANS THE RAVES

You don't want to become the things you hate. Hate will drain you faster than a three-handed plumber
using tools he found in Bruce Wayne's basement.  When I was young, I didn't have the slightest notion
that skin color was anything more than the difference you found when you opened a box of crayons.
Annie, my grandmother's nurse was light brown. Laura, the lady who came to clean the house every
week was dark brown. My mother's mood was black. Three crayon colors I needed to fill in the
outline of the German Shepherd. Nothing more and nothing less. Not when you're a 7 year old.

Now we jump 61 years to today. Yes, 6 decades is a chasm to jump but I'm not writing a novel and
if I had been present at any one of these events I'd be dead. Until I was 15 my vocabulary was pretty
much limited to 8 or 9 variations of "Fuck You"... And if you know nothing or little about Dr. King, Medgar Evers, Chaney Goodman, and Schwerner ... George Wallace, Gov Faubus and LBJ calling
in The National Guard, The Black Panthers, The Greensboro 4, Emmett Till, Brown Vs. Board of Ed,
or some of this country's proudest achievements... Jim Crow, The Black Codes, Plessy vs. Ferguson,
you might want to read about.....sorry, I forgot......you can read can't you?

Last week, the story just broke about the Eugenics program that went on in North Carolina.
Over 7000 people, mostly young black girls between 9 and 18 who were sterilized. Butchered by
decree of a 5 person panel of  maladapted morons marinated in madness who can't even spell the procedure they're endorsing. I'm probably being too harsh here.
After all, this sub-human program was going on in more than 30 states starting as far back
as 1915 and the 48 people in N.C. who have been identified as victims are being generously
offered $20,000 and in some cases, $50,000. Well now... that shines a brighter light on things.
Show me the money and cut my dick off!

All these states trying to eradicate the black/latino vote should just stop tiptoeing around the edges
and step to the center of the dance floor. Take a cue from Ann Coulter alluding to a key difference
between Republicans and Democrats....."Our blacks are better than their blacks." Yeah, Better but
you know, not as good, not as smart as white folk. Like that state where 83% of high school students,
predominantly white, couldn't name the first two Presidents of this country.
Now, that is definitely something to Jim Crow about.

Joe Paterno got good advice when he hired a criminal lawyer. I don't think he'll ever spend
a day in prison, but it wouldn't shock me if he spent 3 years under house arrest.
Look, you can't condemn an entire university for the sins of 10 people or 30 or 100.
But when you run into a burning building and see only a football and an 8 year old boy 
and you choose to save the football, I suggest you spend the balance of your life on your
knees praying for your soul.  No, it won't help, but that's your problem.

SQUARE WHEELS

Closing in on my 69th birthday, I no longer feel comfortable saying I can
give 99% of ad agency copywriters a 9 day head start on a 10 day assignment
and bring them to tears. However, if I lower that number to 93%, I like my chances.

Spinoza is over there in the corner nodding his head (he's there... I see him) and he
wants to frame my words somewhat differently. Go ahead SPINNY...
"my friend selects these numerals based not upon some hubristic fancy,
but rather upon 42 years of astute observation in which he played a major role...
and displayed a gift so rare we celebrate it still." Thank you my philosopher friend.
By the way, Spin is Jewish, so let's all wish him a Happy New Year. If I get my hands
on his brisket recipe, I'm Gold!  SHOW SOME RESPECT WOLFF. You're right.

Spinoza, one of the greatest minds in history was excommunicated for questioning the bible.
Even worse, he was on the "Do Not Invite List" issued by The Church. He died in 1677
allegedly of something like TB, but the folks on CSI say the 14 stab wounds didn't help.
I have no doubt he was murdered  for.... Using His Mind. The lesson here is clear. Don't Think!!
If you find yourself thinking, especially about fairy tales accepted as Universal Truths,
seek out a physician IMMEDIATELY and induce coma.

Okay, back to the point I want to make. Pick a profession... thoracic surgeon? actor?
sculptor? geologist? football player? Just pick one or five, or all of them... it doesn't matter.
No more than 3% of the people in any field you choose, are TRULY GREAT.
Think about what you do or something you love. It's sunday and maybe you're watching football.
How many of those guys out on the field are great? That's what I said... 3%.  I'm going to the movies
tonight. What percent of film directors, actors, cinematographers are GREAT? Correct.

So getting back to where I started,  it's possible (not probable) I may have slipped a bit and
fallen out of that magic 3%.
Either way, I feel driven to talk about Smart Car-- Dumb TV Spot.
SQUARE WHEELS ARE DIFFERENT BUT THEY DON'T ROLL
The Smart Car is not new. It is not the Fiat 500...which is new. If there's one thing
people could tell you about the Smart Car it would be this... if you get hit by this car,
you'll have to go to the hospital and have it removed! In short, it's short, or as 
I call it,  SMALL. Small, Small, Small, Small, Small.

So the people who were involved in this production, including the creators of the spot,
infatuated by their own cleverness, decided the ONE thing people had to be told is...
this car is small.  You know what's good about this.  It tells me just who to go to
for my SAVE THE RHINO  TVspot I need produced. Can you picture it?
23 different situations utilizing 33 cuts as we hear "SMALL" 33 times and then we cut
to a shot of the Majestic Rhino and someone says, "BIG".  Wow, I am moved.
"Honey... where's my checkbook?"

Crushes Through the Decades

Growing up, there was exactly one book in my house.
I already mentioned my mother's 5th grade education and her literary taste reflected it.
My father was in too much psychological pain to think about reading,
although my mother read him the riot act every night.
In our home we had an abundance of 2 things---
screaming and movie magazines. Annie Wolff was a very
attractive woman addicted to glamour. By the time I was 8, I was
reading Photoplay and every other Hollywood magazine out there.
I could tell you the name of just about every well known movie star, especially the women...
those stunning, lose yourself in their beauty somewhere they really exist women who determined
my taste then and forever. Thankfully, I managed to elude total superficiality
and my CRUSHES needed to blend many qualities, not the least of which
were humor, kindness, and smarts. And I knew them without knowing them.
I had and still have this inner mechanism that lets me read people as quickly
as you can read a fortune cookie. Okay, let's do it.

Suzy Parker was a stunning, super- stylish model who seemed to be
on every page of every fashion magazine in the 50's. But it wasn't until
she played Gary Cooper's 30 years younger, still in college love, that
she grabbed me by the eyes and heart and never let go. I still hear her voice
in my head.
Robin Wright has a beauty and kind of disguised fragility that really gets to me.
She also has a laugh and smile that transcend acting and this is on full display
in Message in a Bottle where her long horizon line of emotions shine through.
Joanne Dru is so feisty/sexy/ beautiful in Red River, I could not sit still
watching the film. Twinges and more twinges head to toe, with stops in between.
This film from 1948, which I saw in 1957, changed my life as I watched young Monty Clift
finally stand up to his pseudo-father, John Wayne. The lesson of my life.
The first time I saw Julia Ormond, I thought... okay, this is one of those
times when God gets to show people what he/she/ can do when he/she
wants to step it up... 20 thousand notches. It was 1994 and I saw her in Captives
and then Legends of the Fall. I kept hoping Brad Pitt as Tristan would find a way
to step off the screen and kill me with that bear gun and put me out of my pain.
I may be wrong, but I believe this britsh, theatrically trained actress chose to
downplay her sexuality. It backfired. She had it all... including my heart.
Zooey and Emily Deschanel are clear indicators we need to WORSHIP genetics 8x daily.
They must be lacking SOMETHING.... I'll get back to you when I find it.
Stana Katic is fluent in 9 or 10 languages, is interested in geology and astro-physics
and looks like THAT. If her next TV show is just her reading the back of cereal
boxes, I won't miss an episode... or the re-runs.
You read magazine lists in Maxim or FHM (I don't) and Eva Green is seldom there.
To the readers of these magazines I would like to inform you about two areas of medicine
you're clearly unaware of---- OPTHAMOLOGY and PSYCHOPHARMACOLOGY.
Improve your vision and get those neuro-transmitters firing and you'll feel alive. You may
even come alive. The entire James Bond franchise was rooted in finding the woman
who broke JB's heart. After 2 years of searching, they chose Eva Green. At it's core,
Casino Royale is a fabulous love story and Eva is tough and tender, sensual and smart.
A stunning walking R rated film who stole my heart as well as Mr. Bond's.
The first time I saw Jacqueline Bisset (other than photo) she was strolling down 3rd avenue in NYC
with her then boyfriend Michael. She projected an uber aura that hit me from a block away. I don't believe she's taller than 5'7'' but at that distance she seemed taller. She was wearing all denim, her hair  long and flowing 5 inches below her shoulders with a smile that could suck your brain out of your
head faster than a jet engine. I was waiting to go into one of the theaters on 60th street as she passed
me by. My new barometer in selecting a woman. This ensured I would always be single because
this woman, as it turns out, had everything I loved. She was smart, stylish, strong-willed, generous,
had a killer laugh and was declared by Newsweek magazine in 1977 as "the most beautiful film actress
of all time." Connie Nielsen is as close as we've come since.
By the way, I married in 1971. Beautiful, smart, fabulous british lady who stands 5'7'' and laughs a lot.
She was much happier after the divorce, even if she laughed a lot less.

No Followers

If I'm to believe the phone calls I received after my first post,
I'll never have any followers because my photo makes me
"look like a madman."

Okay, I could use some background music here.

I grew up in The Bronx 68 years ago. This pose, the body language and facial expression
you see here simultaneously support both Darwin AND Intelligent Design. What you see
in my photo evolved in what became by 1956, a survival of the fittest/toughest arena.
I was no smarter academically than my made it through the 5th grade mother. Even so,
I was bright enough to know a guy's nose was not supposed to be at a 90 degree angle,
most people have TWO ears. and a person is not born with a Tic Tac Toe
game carved into his forehead. Got it? The last thing I wanted when I got off the subway
anytime after sundown was... let's all say it together... followers.
Some habits die hard and some never die.
For the record, I had 4 fights. I never wanted to hurt anybody. NEVER. 
Put enough pressure on a guy's carotid artery and his arms tend to go limp
before he crumbles to the ground. No broken bones. No bleeding. No harm done.
My instincts and my actions have always been to look out for the people who struggle
to take care of themselves. In the streets, in the workplace, wherever.  Enough.
This is starting to sound like Henry Fonda.... "Wherever...............I'll be there."

Bobby S was my art director for 5 years at Grey Advertising. We were an awesome
twosome. We had great times together and spent half the day as if we were on stage in
The Catskills. We spent more time laughing than we did eating, and more time eating
than we did working. When you can knock out 8 great ads and TV spots a week,
the rules quickly evaporate.  There was a rule at Grey... we made up the rule.... if you
work until 7PM you can order dinner from any place you want. We didn't even abide
by our own rule. Around 6:30 we'd get on the phone and order a few filet mignons
and a bunch of baked potatoes from the old Manny Wolffs Steakhouse. I think
Smith & Wollensky has been on that spot since maybe 1976. We didn't do this with
any regularity, maybe every 6 weeks, but the bills were enormous.  One day Bobby
and I look up and Joel Wayne, the Exec CD is standing there looking more baffled than
angry. "Are you guys crazy... you can buy a car for this money." I said, "being carnivores
doesn't mean we eat cars." Bob says something like, "Those cloth seats give me
indigestion." Joel gets agitated... "what's the rule on this?" I say, "it's the 7PM rule."
"What the hell is the 7 PM rule?"  So we tell him. He stares at us in disbelief.
"Listen, go home at 4... go home at 3... go home at noon...but no more bills."
This doesn't have a happy ending. So I'll save it for next time.

It Starts Now

If you know me, then you know the only bad days I have are weekdays and weekends.
The rest of the time I'm a bundle of joy. One of my 18 shrinks said I was burdened by too much affect.
In retrospect, I think that was one helluva compliment. I laugh a lot and make a lot of people laugh.
It's a gift I don't take lightly. The only thing that beats it is having my face licked by my dogs and
the smell of baby powder. At this very second, 19 people reading this thought to themselves,
and the smell of a new car. To those people I sing, HEY YOU, GET OFF OF MY BLOG!

I could give you the symbols of a dozen stocks RIGHT NOW that will double in 2 years.
Not penny stocks either. Stocks trading between 14 and 51 dollars. I see numbers.
My wife and I go to the not so super market and throw 80 items in 2 wagons.
She looks at me as the stuff is being rung up and I'll say, 184 dollars and 28 cents.
BAM! Actual price (sounds like Bob Barker) 184 dollars and 93 cents. I'm usually within a buck
98% of the time. I was just fired after working 10 and a half years at an ad agency. Fired for the
first time in my life after 44 years in the business. And there were numbers I couldn't see.
I'm trying to see my severance pay and I see nothing. I guess my magic is gone...UNLESS...
No, no way. What kind of person would do that? Possibly Dick Cheney, but who else?
OH MAN, I STILL HAVE IT. THE MAGIC LIVES. I SEE NOTHING BECAUSE
I GOT NOTHING !!!!!!!!!!!!!  And for a second there I was worried. What a relief.
Okay... stock tips for FREE.  

 I get these bullshit stock alerts 10 times a day......
" IN A COUNTRY WITH NO NAME IN A YET TO BE DISCLOSED LOCATION,
6 MINERS WORKING FOR A COMPANY WITH NO NAME AND NO CAPITAL
HAVE DISCOVERED A SITE WITH MORE POTENTIAL NATURAL GAS THAN
THE BAKKEN AND EAGLEFORD COMBINED."  But this guy knows. He knows the miners,
the country, the location, the zipcode, even the lunch special in the only place for 100 miles
that serves food. What a guy. Instead of buying the country and the site and naming them both
after his kid, he's gonna share with us. He's not like the guy who owns the ad agency.

What if in CASABLANCA, there's no Ingrid Bergman. Just Paul Henreid. There's Bogie
knocking back his 8th Jack D sitting with Sam at 3 AM saying, "of all the gin joints in all the world,
he's gotta walk into mine..."   I don't think the movie works. One Letter of Transit doesn't have
the same ring as "the LetterS of Transit" and you lose "kid" because Bogie can't say,
"here's lookin at you kid" to Henreid. I think the movie loses a lot. But that's me.