So I was mugged the night before and I'm now standing in a police station awaiting a Line-Up.
The date is April 27, 2013 and Paul Ryan is the VP of the USA.
LT. SNOW--- (to me) Don't worry...they can't see you.... one-way glass.
A Parade of 6 possible suspects are brought in to the room. They are so small that the word
"small" no longer has any meaning in human parlance. Same for minuscule.
CAPT. FOX--- VP Ryan has heard about this and is none too happy.
WOLFF--- I just remembered... I forgot to send him a birthday card. If you see him
please tell him the new parts for his head are still in Phase 1.
I AM HANDED SUPER HIGH POWERED MAGNIFYING GLASSES AND PUT THEM ON.
WOLFF--- Why are those men standing behind the 6 suspects holding the numbers 1 thru 6?
CAPT. FOX--- Makes it easier to see them... after all, the suspects are only single CELLS.
Pretty hard to see even with those glasses. So just call out a number and the man with that number
will step forward holding the Petri Dish.
WOLFF--- May I request they all be brought 10 feet closer....right up to the one way glass.
FOX and SNOW see no problem in this and respond to my request.
SNOW--- Is that better?
WOLFF--- Can you see them? THE CELLS, NOT THE PETRI DISHES?
FOX--- You nuts. I could sooner see a spider devouring a fly on Mars.
WOLFF--- Do any of the suspects have "priors"?
SNOW--- Can't tell you which one, but one of them was implicated in
what we Used To Call RAPE. Of course, Rape no longer exists... Ryan cleared that up.
WOLFF--- Can you ask Numbers 2 and 5 to speak and say the following... "Hand over
your wallet. Gotta get me some peanut butter and I'm talkin' real crunchy." I'm sure
I'll recognize the voice... no doubt about it.
SNOW AND FOX ARE SPEECHLESS.
FOX--- Mister...you feelin' okay? THESE ARE SINGLE CELLS. They don't walk, talk,
eat ice-cream, ride bikes, rescue shelter pets, bake cookies, cry when sad, drive cars,
or help old people cross the street........ Get it?!!!!
WOLFF--- Oh, I get it........ you don't get it. These Cells are PERSONS. So, if 7 men holding
7 test tubes, each with a single cell is standing on an elevator that, by law, can hold no more
than 14 people, could you get on that elevator?
FOX SCRATCHES HIS HEAD.
FOX--- Well, there'd be a ton of room... but technically....
WOLFF--- You'd be breaking the law. Now, let's go to the movies....you like movies?
SNOW--- I'm a regular Freak! Saw Gladiator 12 times. My name is Maximus Des...
FOX--- Shut it, Snow.
WOLFF--- Let's say the movie theater can LEGALLY hold 1200 people and 1000 buy SINGLE tickets.
One man has with him 200 test tubes of single cells......remember, these CELLS are PERSONS.
The man in the ticket booth sells 30 more seats and you arrest him. Is that a legal pinch?
SNOW--- I say Yes.
FOX--- Shut it, Snow. (long pause) I'd say it's legal, but the whole theater is empty...
so it's REALLY FUCKIN' DUMB!
SNOW--- (LAUGHING) but you voted for these guys, Fox. (He glares at Snow)
FOX--- So did you asshole..... and since your wife uses an IUD, she's guilty of murder!
SNOW (shocked)--- Murder!!!!! That's a joke, right? Gotta be a joke.
WOLFF--- You see FOX laughing?
SNOW--- Tens of thousands of women use IUD's... they all guilty of murder?
WOLFF--- Are they Fox?
FOX--- (looking down and barely audible) By law, they are.
WOLFF--- Guys, we could do this all night and all year. It doesn't matter if you're blinded by hate
or a rare disease. Blind is Blind. Now, Wet is Dry, Up is Down, and Compassion and Decency
have gone the way of the dinosaur. You guys spent 8 Friggin YEARS trying to prove a man's birth certificate was a fake and 8 Friggin MINUTES watching this nursery school vetting of the the next
president of our country. These guys, ALL OF THEM, should have been vetted down to their
bones. You wouldn't have been influenced by the color of their skin because it would have
been stripped off. And there would have been no place for the lies to hide. You offer me
2 YEARS of TAX RETURNS and I tell you to "take em and use it as toilet paper...and
tell your story walkin'."
SNOW--- So, we screwed up?
WOLFF--- You tell me. Just remember Maximus Desimus Meridius.
He wanted to take the power away from the Senate and turn Rome over to the people.
You probably wouldn't have voted for him, either. How's that feel?
FOX--- What about the suspects?
WOLFF---Arrest the cell in Petri Dish 5. That horrible cologne is unforgetable.
The date is April 27, 2013 and Paul Ryan is the VP of the USA.
LT. SNOW--- (to me) Don't worry...they can't see you.... one-way glass.
A Parade of 6 possible suspects are brought in to the room. They are so small that the word
"small" no longer has any meaning in human parlance. Same for minuscule.
CAPT. FOX--- VP Ryan has heard about this and is none too happy.
WOLFF--- I just remembered... I forgot to send him a birthday card. If you see him
please tell him the new parts for his head are still in Phase 1.
I AM HANDED SUPER HIGH POWERED MAGNIFYING GLASSES AND PUT THEM ON.
WOLFF--- Why are those men standing behind the 6 suspects holding the numbers 1 thru 6?
CAPT. FOX--- Makes it easier to see them... after all, the suspects are only single CELLS.
Pretty hard to see even with those glasses. So just call out a number and the man with that number
will step forward holding the Petri Dish.
WOLFF--- May I request they all be brought 10 feet closer....right up to the one way glass.
FOX and SNOW see no problem in this and respond to my request.
SNOW--- Is that better?
WOLFF--- Can you see them? THE CELLS, NOT THE PETRI DISHES?
FOX--- You nuts. I could sooner see a spider devouring a fly on Mars.
WOLFF--- Do any of the suspects have "priors"?
SNOW--- Can't tell you which one, but one of them was implicated in
what we Used To Call RAPE. Of course, Rape no longer exists... Ryan cleared that up.
WOLFF--- Can you ask Numbers 2 and 5 to speak and say the following... "Hand over
your wallet. Gotta get me some peanut butter and I'm talkin' real crunchy." I'm sure
I'll recognize the voice... no doubt about it.
SNOW AND FOX ARE SPEECHLESS.
FOX--- Mister...you feelin' okay? THESE ARE SINGLE CELLS. They don't walk, talk,
eat ice-cream, ride bikes, rescue shelter pets, bake cookies, cry when sad, drive cars,
or help old people cross the street........ Get it?!!!!
WOLFF--- Oh, I get it........ you don't get it. These Cells are PERSONS. So, if 7 men holding
7 test tubes, each with a single cell is standing on an elevator that, by law, can hold no more
than 14 people, could you get on that elevator?
FOX SCRATCHES HIS HEAD.
FOX--- Well, there'd be a ton of room... but technically....
WOLFF--- You'd be breaking the law. Now, let's go to the movies....you like movies?
SNOW--- I'm a regular Freak! Saw Gladiator 12 times. My name is Maximus Des...
FOX--- Shut it, Snow.
WOLFF--- Let's say the movie theater can LEGALLY hold 1200 people and 1000 buy SINGLE tickets.
One man has with him 200 test tubes of single cells......remember, these CELLS are PERSONS.
The man in the ticket booth sells 30 more seats and you arrest him. Is that a legal pinch?
SNOW--- I say Yes.
FOX--- Shut it, Snow. (long pause) I'd say it's legal, but the whole theater is empty...
so it's REALLY FUCKIN' DUMB!
SNOW--- (LAUGHING) but you voted for these guys, Fox. (He glares at Snow)
FOX--- So did you asshole..... and since your wife uses an IUD, she's guilty of murder!
SNOW (shocked)--- Murder!!!!! That's a joke, right? Gotta be a joke.
WOLFF--- You see FOX laughing?
SNOW--- Tens of thousands of women use IUD's... they all guilty of murder?
WOLFF--- Are they Fox?
FOX--- (looking down and barely audible) By law, they are.
WOLFF--- Guys, we could do this all night and all year. It doesn't matter if you're blinded by hate
or a rare disease. Blind is Blind. Now, Wet is Dry, Up is Down, and Compassion and Decency
have gone the way of the dinosaur. You guys spent 8 Friggin YEARS trying to prove a man's birth certificate was a fake and 8 Friggin MINUTES watching this nursery school vetting of the the next
president of our country. These guys, ALL OF THEM, should have been vetted down to their
bones. You wouldn't have been influenced by the color of their skin because it would have
been stripped off. And there would have been no place for the lies to hide. You offer me
2 YEARS of TAX RETURNS and I tell you to "take em and use it as toilet paper...and
tell your story walkin'."
SNOW--- So, we screwed up?
WOLFF--- You tell me. Just remember Maximus Desimus Meridius.
He wanted to take the power away from the Senate and turn Rome over to the people.
You probably wouldn't have voted for him, either. How's that feel?
FOX--- What about the suspects?
WOLFF---Arrest the cell in Petri Dish 5. That horrible cologne is unforgetable.
