OBAMA TEAM SENDS IMPOSTER TO DEBATE

2 WEEKS BEFORE THE DEBATE, THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE TOOK PLACE  IN THE
OVAL OFFICE. THE PRESIDENT MEETS WITH HIS ADVISORS... PLOUFFE, JARRET AXELROD, MESSINA, GIBBS.

Obama: I asked for ideas so I don't have to go debate the alien... whatta we have?
Plouffe: I think we should send the girls... when Romney offers to bet them 50 thou,
              the election is OVAHH!.
Obama: My kids are busy with important stuff... they entered a cookie bake.
Gibbs: I called Bill Gates and asked if he could make a talking cardboard cutout?
Axrod: That's not bad... it'll come off at least as real as Romney. We can control your
             responses from off-stage. In fact Buffet wants to operate the controls.
Jarret:  I say we send Sharpton... they think all blacks look alike...they won't even notice.
Gibbs:  Sharpton wants 2 million to shave his moustache.
Mesna: Professor Eric Dyson is really fuckin' smart... scary smart.
Obama: I doubt he can drop 110 pounds in 2 weeks.
Gibbs:   Even if we waterboard him?
Plouffe: I'll call Rumsfeld... for 20 grand, he'll tell me.
Axrod:  Okay, before you jump on me, let me finish. We send GINGRICH.
             We get the first question... no matter what it is, Gingrich says, "Romney is
             incapable of telling the truth. The man is a psychopathic liar!
Gibbs:  Romney will say, You're not President Obama!!!
Axrod: Of course... and Gingrich says, see, THAT's what I'm talkin' about !!!!!!
Jarret:   If only Sammy Davis were still alive.
Obama: Oh shit...that would be awesome. 20 minutes of impressions followed by 20 minutes
              about the Rat Pack followed by Sammy sings Broadway. Are we sure he's dead?

AXELROD OPENS ENVELOPE AND POURS 50 PLUS POLICE PIX OF MEN
WHO MAKE THE HELLS ANGELS LOOK LIKE PAUL REUBENS.

Plouffe: Family picnic photos?
Mesna:  Who the hell are those guys?
Axrod:  They're savages incarcerated in prisons all over Europe.
Jarret:  What did they do?
Axrod: Who the fuck knows. Bain bought their companies and they all got fired.

OBAMA PICKS UP A PHOTO.
Obama: Whoa...this guy could be my brother... does he speak english?
Gibbs:  He graduated Stanford with Rachel Maddow.
Obama:  Send him in my place.
Mesna:  He's killed 60 people... he could kill 60 more!!!
Plouffe:  I like it... make sure McConnell and Cantor have front row seats.
Gibbs:   What's his incentive? 
Obama: Just show him the "47% video."
















 

WARREN TURNS BROWN BLACK AND BLUE

I watched the Brown-Warren debate last night, and came away feeling Brown was much too soft
on Granny Glasses. Any of you who know me are familiar with my Bronx background and know I've been in a handful of fights and seen my share of spilled blood... none of it mine. I ended fights pronto by squashing my opponent's carotid artery and watching pass him out. Alive, but not ready to party.
With that picture in mind, imagine how many times I flew out my chair when Brown had a chance to land a Lights Out Shot and chose to let Lady Prof down much too easy.
I mean, when he said, "I'm not one of your students, Professor, so let me talk"... I started screaming,
"VIC MORROW, VIC MORROW... BLACKBOARD JUNGLE the bitch."
Why the hell didn't he pull out his box-cutter, lay it against her throat, contort his face and whisper,
Teach... I'll bet you're gonna be hard to hear without your tongue. He does that and believe me, it's
Game, Set, Match! So what does he do? He blows off a few audience BOOS and responds to her.

That is NOT the way a REAL BULLY earns respect. This guy has been to war, and if he didn't learn Krav Maga, a place 2 minutes from the guy in Boston teaches this unique form of martial arts.
Sweep The Leg... Palm Strike...let's stop playing Ping Pong here. Come on, Brown,
you're a veteran and an officer in the National Guard and you're really gonna spend an hour
parrying endless verbal thrusts and accusations being hurled at you by this grandma straight out of
Little Red Riding Hood. Oh no! She just nailed you good. She called you out. You really are asking for money on your website saying, " ....and help me defeat the Obama agenda." You've repeated
the term INDEPENDENT 45 thousand times and you put that on your website... AND THEN 
you blew the chance to turn the tables by saying... I smell a hacker here... it's no coincidence that
Little Harriet Harvard here knows all these computer braniacs...oh yeah, I smell a hacker.
What's the deal? Oh I get it. Let her gain some ground and she has farther to fall when you pounce.
Wait!! Did you just say Scalia was your numero uno Supreme?  Gregory asked you to name ONE and you named four. When did this become Sesame Street? Before you go for a colonoscopy,
you better know the difference between ONE and FOUR. And stop with the Geronimo stuff.
He was a noble and great warrior AND people really liked Tonto. This is NOT going well.
To my eye, granny is kicking your ass. I think I'll vote for her. She's better than you. In every way.




 

THE JOYS OF PERSONHOOD

So I was mugged the night before and I'm now standing in a police station awaiting a Line-Up.
The date is April 27, 2013 and Paul Ryan is the VP of the USA.

LT. SNOW--- (to me)  Don't worry...they can't see you.... one-way glass.

A Parade of 6 possible suspects are brought in to the room.  They are so small that the word
"small" no longer has any meaning in human parlance. Same for minuscule.

CAPT. FOX--- VP Ryan has heard about this and is none too happy.

WOLFF--- I just remembered... I forgot to send him a birthday card. If you see him
                  please tell him the new parts for his head are still in Phase 1.

I AM HANDED SUPER HIGH POWERED MAGNIFYING GLASSES AND PUT THEM ON.

WOLFF--- Why are those men standing behind the 6 suspects holding the numbers 1 thru 6?

CAPT. FOX--- Makes it easier to see them... after all, the suspects are only single CELLS.
Pretty hard to see even with those glasses. So just call out a number and the man with that number
will step forward holding the Petri Dish.

WOLFF--- May I request they all be brought 10 feet closer....right up to the one way glass.

FOX and SNOW see no problem in this and respond to my request.

SNOW--- Is that better?

WOLFF--- Can you see them? THE CELLS, NOT THE PETRI DISHES?

FOX--- You nuts. I could sooner see a spider devouring a fly on Mars.

WOLFF--- Do any of the suspects have "priors"?

SNOW---  Can't tell you which one, but one of them was implicated in
what we Used To Call RAPE.  Of course, Rape no longer exists... Ryan cleared that up.

WOLFF--- Can you ask Numbers 2 and 5 to speak and say the following... "Hand over
your wallet. Gotta get me some peanut butter and I'm talkin' real crunchy." I'm sure
I'll recognize the voice... no doubt about it.

SNOW AND FOX ARE SPEECHLESS.

FOX--- Mister...you feelin' okay?  THESE ARE SINGLE CELLS. They don't walk, talk,
eat ice-cream, ride bikes, rescue shelter pets, bake cookies, cry when sad, drive cars,
or help old people cross the street........ Get it?!!!!

WOLFF--- Oh, I get it........ you don't get it.  These Cells are PERSONS. So, if 7 men holding
7 test tubes, each with a single cell is standing on an elevator that, by law, can hold no more
than 14 people, could you get on that elevator?

FOX SCRATCHES HIS HEAD.

FOX--- Well, there'd be a ton of room... but technically....
WOLFF--- You'd be breaking the law. Now, let's go to the movies....you like movies?
SNOW--- I'm a regular Freak! Saw Gladiator 12 times. My name is Maximus Des...
FOX--- Shut it, Snow.

WOLFF--- Let's say the movie theater can LEGALLY hold 1200 people and 1000 buy SINGLE tickets.
One man has with him 200 test tubes of single cells......remember, these CELLS are PERSONS.
The man in the ticket booth sells 30 more seats and you arrest him. Is that a legal pinch?

SNOW--- I say Yes.
FOX--- Shut it, Snow.  (long pause)  I'd say it's legal, but the whole theater is empty...
so it's REALLY FUCKIN' DUMB!
SNOW--- (LAUGHING) but you voted for these guys, Fox. (He glares at Snow)
FOX--- So did you asshole..... and since your wife uses an IUD, she's guilty of murder!
SNOW (shocked)--- Murder!!!!! That's a joke, right? Gotta be a joke.
WOLFF--- You see FOX laughing?
SNOW--- Tens of thousands of women use IUD's... they all guilty of murder?
WOLFF--- Are they Fox?
FOX--- (looking down and barely audible)  By law, they are.

WOLFF--- Guys, we could do this all night and all year. It doesn't matter if you're blinded by hate
or a rare disease. Blind is Blind.  Now, Wet is Dry, Up is Down, and Compassion and Decency
have gone the way of the dinosaur. You guys spent 8 Friggin YEARS trying to prove a man's birth certificate was a fake and 8 Friggin MINUTES watching this nursery school vetting of the the next
president of our country. These guys, ALL OF THEM, should have been vetted down to their
bones. You wouldn't have been influenced by the color of their skin because it would have
been stripped off.  And there would have been no place for the lies to hide. You offer me
2 YEARS of TAX RETURNS and I tell you to "take em and use it as toilet paper...and
tell your story walkin'."

SNOW--- So, we screwed up?
WOLFF--- You tell me.  Just remember Maximus Desimus Meridius.
He wanted to take the power away from the Senate and turn Rome over to the people.
You probably wouldn't have voted for him, either.  How's that feel?

FOX--- What about the suspects?
WOLFF---Arrest the cell in Petri Dish 5. That horrible cologne is unforgetable.


  
  





























         

I HAVE TO FIGHT FONZIE?

I know what you're thinking.  He's on new meds and has hit a new low. Half right. I am on new meds but having already hit bottom,  a new low would really be revisiting an old low which means it wouldn't be new. Moving on. What I am about to tell you is true even if the folks who helped create the show Happy Days or played roles on the show deny it. You know I grew up in The Bronx as did the creator of the show I'm speaking of, as well as The Fonz, or at least the guy The Fonz is based upon, more or less. In fact, all the show's characters were based on real people and this I know because the kid who was like my younger brother, Sammy G, started to hang with them against my will and in spite of my concern for his survival. And that is not an exageration.  I am torn here as to whether to use the name of the guy The Fonz is based on, but I think I can put it this way just in case
he's alive. And if he was given LIFE instead of THE CHAIR, there is a teensy weensy chance he might have been paroled.  I think to be on the Safe Side, I'll leave off the last 3 letters of his last name. So, Arthur Fonzarelli's real name was Roy Drill---. He was not the kind of person who would help an old lady across the street. Throw her across, definitely... but help her across, not a chance.
Thinking about it, I think he would probably hit her with a baseball bat to see if he could get her from the south sidewalk to the north sidewalk without her touching the gutter. He would do it and lay odds to boot.
I remember Sam telling me Roy D was walking on the boardwalk and ambled up to a cop.
He asked the cop if he had the time and when the cop glanced at his wrist for a split second, Roy D
knocked him out with one punch. We're talkin' 1959 here people and you just did not fuck with cops
back then. And that was one of the more genteel things Roy pulled off.
So you see WHY Gary Marshall had to make a very, very slight adjustment in the The FONZ to turn him into a heroic and affable weekly character people welcomed into their TV sets and got the network to sign off on.   
OTHERWISE, we get an episode where THE FONZ pulls out a shotgun and blows Potsie's head off at Yankee Stadium for spilling the popcorn, heads over to The Cunninghams and chops off Marion's hands for burning the brownies, then stabs Mr. Cunningham in the chest 46 times, not because he chopped off Mrs. C's hands but because Mr. C tells him "the burn adds a little flavor FONZ you fail to appreciate."  Next thing you know, Ralph Malph arrives at the Cunningham home and is both shocked and unhappy when THE FONZ tells him to "bury Mr. C in the backyard
and clean up the blood in the kitchen."  Ralph says, "gee Fonz..." and in a microsecond a switchblade
has severed Ralph's tongue, which not only inflicts agony, but makes it impossible for Ralph to sing
as he was given to do, in any future episodes. Now Richie walks in, and viewing the horror, turns to
our favorite psychopath and quietly says, " I'm very disappointed in you Arthur and I want you to think about what you've done here." The tension builds and SUPER appears on TV screen...
WILL THE FONZ REPENT?   TUNE IN NEXT WEEK.

OH... I was maybe 4 days away from fighting Roy D to rescue my "little brother" from his
clutches, but if I remember right, he was arrested and got something like 7 years for
assault and battery on a cop. What IF there had been a fight? I see only 2 possibilities:
It would have ended in less than 30 seconds with me standing over Roy's limp body... limp because
I cut off his oxygen by ALMOSTcrushing his carotid artery...  OR my life would have ended in
a death so excruciating, the thought of it may force me to pass up a second lunch today.

A Little Depression Goes a Long Way.... DOWN

The four people who follow me here, feared I was dead.
At the same time, I feared I was alive.
As it turns out, my fear was justified.
When you battle Depression for 38 years, with few recesses in between,
lifting yourself out of bed makes an Olympic event comparable to playing Boggle.
Yes, there are freight cars of meds out there that in theory, will have you feeling like you want to climb Kilmanjaro twice a week. But I never found them despite trying every so-called panacea from Japan to Sweden to Russia and spending precious time with 18 mental health Hippocratic heroes.
The same is true for 70% of my fellow afflictees because the vast majority of those in pain are
non-responsive to these various magic elixirs. I've been told a person has more neuro-transmissions in a day than there are objects in the sky. What happens when they're one 10,000th of a second off course or fired too early or late? Beats my ass. EVERY FUCKING DAY.

For me, it comes down to this..........

THE TOUGHER THE DEPRESSION
THE LONGER THE FIGHT
THE HARSHER THE DEPRESSION
THE DARKER THE NIGHT

Keep punching, or if you're a Wolff....Keep Biting!

PIT BULLS, MY WIFE AND MARK HARMON

I love dogs. No, I adore them.
In fact, I believe they are hands down or paws down, the best creatures on this
or any other planet.  There was a time I could name every breed in the world on sight. This
includes the Cane Corso, Turkish Akbash dog, Komondor, Shiba Inu and you get the point.
This has become more difficult of late because too many people apparently cannot live without proving they are to be envied, aka, beating the Joneses at their own game.
Okay I want a Portuguese Water Dog .... BUT I want it to have humps like a camel.
Hmm... not my choice, but No Problem.
"Come back in a year and I will give you first choice of a litter of perfect PortuguCams. Web feet,
Humps and all."

KUDOS to the TV show NCIS. 
In a recent show, the main character, Gibbs, played by Mark Harmon says,
People don't understand PIT BULLS.  They are very affectionate, very loyal and fairly easy to train.    

I SADLY did not know THIS (despite my vast knowledge of canines) until 5 years ago when I heard my vet say, "in 20 years I've never had a problem with a Pit. They are very sweet and gentle."
Well, that was news to me. I had been drinking the Not To Kool Aid for too long and did not learn enough about the this breed.  My knowledge multiplied tenfold when my amazing wife started doing volunteer work for the WARL.... Worcester Animal Rescue League. I'd say 75% of the dogs they had for adoption were Pit Mixes and Lori got to know them all.  And grew attached to every one.
Like all dogs, they need to be evaluated.... some dogs just need to be the only dog in a home.

My wife and I have rescued our last 5 dogs.  I wish more people would do this rather than bow to their idealized image and go out and spend big bucks on some hybrid or pedigree breed. Yes, this will offend some of my friends who have taken this road, but if they have an image problem, AND they really care enough, they can dig up Siggy Freud.
Just Keep This in Mind.  Needing a German nameplate on your car is not in the same universe, not
remotely as consequential as putting your image above rescuing the life of an animal who in too many
cases faces certain death... for no reason other than it was originally owned by someone with a brain
composed of equal parts canned asparagus, chicken jerky and mucilage, married to the compassion level of Attilla The Hun.
I have made donations to more than 30 shelters thruout the country and heard stories that made
me sick to my stomach and question the human race.

In the meantime, let me know if you hear of someone who can mate a Hippo and Rottweiler.
I may drive a KIA, but if I have the first Rottopotamus,  the Country Club elitists will overlook
my Jewishness and will open their arms to me... and their doors to my Rotto.

ROMNEY CAN DO NO WRONG AND NEITHER CAN YOU.

If you watched the last CNN debate, you saw a Moment That Changed EVERYTHING.
John King asked a question and Mittwit Romney answered thusly:
"YOU get to ask the questions you want, and I GET to answer the questions I WANT."
Where the fuck was this guy when I was failing chemistry in college??
Okay....A STORAGE TANK HOLDS 440,000 GALLONS OF LIQUID.
THE TANK HAS 7 AREAS OF LEAKAGE, all 1/4 inch deep. the area widths have the FOLLOWING DIMENSIONS:
0.17CM 0.34CM 0.56CM 0.78CM 1.13 CM 1.67 CM 1.94CM...... IF the tank is now at
82.6% storage capacity, HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE BEFORE THE TANK IS COMPLETELY EMPTY?
How easy is that!! The correct answer is Bellingham Washington.

Some other correct answers are: Howdy Doody, a Shnauzer, Karl Rove, Macy's, A loin of pork.

Okay, let's do another one. WHAT are the fewest number of people and the fewest square miles

a community can have/be and STILL GET ASSIGNED A ZIPCODE?

You might want to think a little on this one... the answer might surprise you..

HMMM? I think I know it. It's Ringo Starr and...uh... Jarlsberg cheese, aged 90 days.

Damn I am smart. Let's look at some of your answers---

Tampons and a Mars Bar. That's right.

The 7 Dwarfs and George Costanza. That's right too.

Toasters and Organic Tofu. Also Right.

You gotta see the BIG picture here folks. Romney sees it.

It irks him and should irk (or vex if you like) everyone who is proud of this country,

that we have fallen behind just about every place in the world (except Moldova) in

Science, Math and the 6 dialects of Mexico. And only 2% of high school grads

could name the primary source for London Blue Topaz. That doesn't cut it.

But The Romster has solved the big problema in one swift brilliant move.

Fuck the question... YOU get to answer whatever you like AND you my friend are correct.

So before you vote next November, just... What? What did he say?

How could he not understand the question? Okay. He DID understand the question.

He DIDN'T understand his answer.

If you watched the last CNN debate, you saw a Moment That Changed EVERYTHING.
John King asked a question and Mittwit Romney answered thusly:
"YOU get to ask the questions you want, and I GET to answer the questions I WANT."
Where the fuck was this guy when I was failing chemistry in college??
Okay....A STORAGE TANK HOLDS 440,000 GALLONS OF LIQUID.
THE TANK HAS 7 AREAS OF LEAKAGE, all 1/4 inch deep. the area widths have the FOLLOWING DIMENSIONS:
0.17CM 0.34CM 0.56CM 0.78CM 1.13 CM 1.67 CM 1.94CM...... IF the tank is now at
82.6% storage capacity, HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE BEFORE THE TANK IS COMPLETELY EMPTY?
How easy is that!! The correct answer is Bellingham Washington.

Some other correct answers are: Howdy Doody, a Shnauzer, Karl Rove, Macy's, A loin of pork.

Okay, let's do another one. WHAT are the fewest number of people and the fewest square miles

a community can have/be and STILL GET ASSIGNED A ZIPCODE?

You might want to think a little on this one... the answer might surprise you..

HMMM? I think I know it. It's Ringo Starr and...uh... Jarlsberg cheese, aged 90 days.

Damn I am smart. Let's look at some of your answers---

Tampons and a Mars Bar. That's right.

The 7 Dwarfs and George Costanza. That's right too.

Toasters and Organic Tofu. Also Right.

You gotta see the BIG picture here folks. Romney sees it.

It irks him and should irk (or vex if you like) everyone who is proud of this country,

that we have fallen behind just about every place in the world (except Moldova) in

Science, Math and the 6 dialects of Mexico. And only 2% of high school grads

could name the primary source for London Blue Topaz. That doesn't cut it.

But The Romster has solved the big problema in one swift brilliant move.

Fuck the question... YOU get to answer whatever you like AND you my friend are correct.

So before you vote next November, just... What? What did he say?

How could he not understand the question? Okay. He DID understand the question.

He DIDN'T understand his answer.

SANSSCROTUM VERSUS EUCLID AND FRIENDS

 I'd be lying if I said it was easy, but after much struggle I managed to gather the world's
greatest living and dead mathematicians in a small Farmhouse in the hills of Sienna.
You are no doubt familiar with  Euclid, Archimedes, Newton, de Fermat, Einstein and Fibonacci.
Brahmagupta, Grothendieck, Noether, Eudoxus of Cnidus and the rest probably less so.

I told them only that the question I would pose was at the intersection of religious, mathematical
and political lines with worldly implications.  Stupid of me because debates raged about how many
worlds there were and if there were worlds within worlds and if so, there were infinite worlds and
I SCREAMED... I'm from the Bronx... Shut the Fuck Up!!
After 30 seconds of silence, I took a deep breath and  posed MYQUESTION....


"Okay... Rick Sansscrotum says NO NO NO to contraception and has 7 kids. He believes
God and Satan watch over us constantly, although Satan was seen recently at Pearl Vision
getting new frames, followed by lunch at Chipotle with Anne Coulter.

Here, my esteemed friends is where I stumble.  Here is where incredulity rears its head.
In 21 years of marriage,  how many sexual interchanges can we gather took place between
man and wife?
Blaise Pascal said, "If Mrs. S had a great bod, I'd do her every night, but then
only for 6 months as I am bored easily. And by the way, Man is a Thinking Reed."
Pythagoras said he believed we could arrive at the number using a Theorem.
Kepler and Leibniz almost came to blows over sauerkraut.  Einstein asked if we
were filming a Reality Show. After 9 hours of argument, all agreed on the number 1300.

Okay, I said, let's go with 1300.  SO....How did Rick and Mrs. Rick avoid
pregnancy yet again and again? No Launch of missiles? Possible... but not
1293 times.  Withdrawal? Against Church Doctrine or as it says verbatim...
NO SHOOTING YOUR LOAD ON TO A PAPER TOWEL... but if you do
go with BOUNTY...and use the coupon. 

Descartes (always thinking) captured the attention of all...
"We must ask ourselves this: WHAT does NOT qualify as a form of contraception. IF anything that represents an obstacle to fertilization, overt or otherwise, is a SIN, then once began, the couple
must see the act to completion." The group finding no flaws in this concept, nodded in agreement.

Fibonacci took a bite of an olive and rose to his feet.
"If fertilization took place just 3 percent of the time, this couple should have over ......."

"Me Thinks He Doth Protest Too Much" shouted a voice from the back. The group turned as one
and looked upon the young man recognized by none. "Sorry... my name is Skakespeare...
I stumbled in to the wrong farmhouse."

"Wrong farmhouse, right conclusion," I said.  "Sanscrotum is FULL OF SHIT...
and probably has 137 kids!"



P.S. yes, I did consider abstinence as a possibility.